30 Days of Chastity

In response to my post on 1/19/11, “Why is sex before marriage wrong?”, a blogger asked, “so can it be forgiven?”


Yes, of course. Any sin that is confessed and for which a person is truly sorry and firmly resolves not to do again is forgiven. The only sin that is not forgiven – Jesus refers to this in the Gospel as blasphemy against the Holy Spirit – is the one that is not confessed.

Staying with the same topic from the 1/19 post, a student asked me about how to live chastity with his girlfriend. He said that they have strong faith, pray together, and want to save themselves for marriage. But, they struggle sometimes when they are together and asked for advice, especially in the weak moments. I have great respect for this young man and we have a good relationship. So, I could give him the following advice that is challenging and knew it would be received with openness and respect (which it was). It is especially tailored to young Catholic couples who are trying to have Christ at the center of their relationship.


The main thing I'd suggest is for you two to go on a 30 day plan (the idea here is to take it one chunk at a time). 30 days of chastity. Agree together that in the next 30 days, you will:


- see each other only 2-3 times each week (if at different colleges, talk / text 2-3 times a week only)
- only hold hands, hug, and lightly kiss each other
- set a curfew for being at her place or her at your place; 11 pm is good
- set up "fun" nights; things that you will both really enjoy
- if alone in a room, don't sit together on a couch or bed (can lead to trouble!)
- avoid watching movies or TV programs that will arouse you both
- go to Sunday Mass together
- go to Confession at least once, more if step into mortal sin
- go to daily Mass together at least once a week (more if possible)
- go to Adoration together at least once a week, if possible
- pray the rosary together, at least part of it, 2-3 times a week
- do some kind of Bible study together - maybe read a Gospel together and discuss
- pray for the other by name each day

Chastity is a lot of work!! It takes a lot of work and a lot of Grace, but it is possible. It's worth it. God may have given you an incredible treasure here. If so, He has put a tag on it, "Do not open ‘til your wedding day". You will never regret living chastity. You will never, ever, ever, ever regret doing the right thing. The first couple I married did all of this, and said to me on their wedding weekend, "we're SO glad we waited".

…There is a point to this (limiting how often you talk or see each other) . Fr Bill Byrne touched on it when he spoke to the students here in October. I posted notes from his talk on the blog – 10/6/10 post. Here’s the main point:

“People, especially in college, need to establish and find themselves before they can be with another. The old saying is that you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself. College is a time to experience life and to see all kinds of stuff. Someone who becomes a “we” with another in college misses out on becoming the true “I” they are meant to be. College is a time for expansion, not constriction. Fr Byrne said that he saw many people at the University of Maryland (he was chaplain there for many years) constrict their world to the other person only. They should be expanding their world to all kinds of people, places, and things.”

Having only a couple times of discussion during the week helps each of you to expand; talking or texting every day leads to constriction. It’s hard to cut back if you’ve been talking or texting every day, but it will help. It will help you to experience college, to become two “I”s. And, it will help you two “cool it” in many ways which will help you cool it physically...

There are two books to suggest: 1) "Pure Love" by Jason Evert, and 2) "Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World" by Rev. Thomas Morrow. They should give more suggestions and understanding than I have given.